


Lakeside

by dijon



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff and Smut, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-28
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2019-01-06 07:47:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12206913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dijon/pseuds/dijon
Summary: Dan and Phil have friends in Canada who are nature lovers and convince them to go camping for a weekend. Turns out Dan loves the wild more than expected and Phil sucks at kayaking.





	1. Worth it.

Friends wouldn't drag you through this kind of mud. Dan was set to believe their friendship with Tessa and Ben would be over after this kind of betrayal.

"It'll be fun, Dan," she had said. "It's a weekend away from the world. I promise you'll be relaxed by the end of it," Ben followed up her plea. 

Phil also hadn't helped anything and was just as excited over the idea. 

And now, here Dan was being dragged through a muddy hiking trail by his so called friends. Actual mud. And dirt. 

He was drenched in sweat and was grumbling to himself 20 feet behind the other three. 

If nothing else, Dan was sure he would never be speaking to these friends again. Phil would also be getting the silent treatment for days on end for encouraging this behaviour. He had thought about leaving him in this bush in Canada as he returned to London himself, but the exhaustion on Phil's face revealed his regret. Dan smirked at the sight. This was payback enough.

Months earlier when they were planning to escape to Canada for a few weeks to visit friends, Dan had imagined himself relaxing by the water with a drink in hand. Tessa insisted they come during the summer so they could spend time outside and get to see what the Canadian landscape had to offer besides the city streets of Toronto. So Dan, imagined himself lakeside, in one of those fancy deck chairs wasting away the days with lots of food and mixed drinks. 

There were no deck chairs in sight, and he had yet to see a lake although Tessa promised one was "just up ahead." He wasn't sure whether or not he trusted her yet.

He and Phil had been friends with Tessa and Ben for about four years now. They had met Tessa on a visit to Toronto for an event one year. She was sat in a coffee shop, working on a laptop with headphones in, and had offered the other side of her table as the two awkward Brits stood in the shop, looking for an empty table. 

They had shared some polite conversation for a couple of hours between the three of them working. She was easy to talk to and nerdy enough to get their lame jokes and dorky references. 

A viewer had spotted them at one point and had asked for a photo, and Dan had watched Tessa out of the corner of his eye throughout the interaction. Her eyebrow had raised out of curiosity as a smirk crossed her face. She was still typing away on her laptop, but eyes were flickering between the screen and Dan and Phil. 

As they said goodbye to the viewer, and sat back at the table she had glanced up from her laptop. Aware of how strange that must have seemed to Tessa, and feeling slightly awkward, they both quietly went back to work. 

Only 30 seconds had passed before the question burst from her lips, "So, was that just weird for me then?" 

It surprised him how easily she took to their explanation of being YouTubers. She knew YouTube was a "thing" but didn't understand the business behind it and was curious. It was a strange combination of trying to explain what they did for a living, without the usual need to convince the person it wasn't just a joke. 

Phil had invited Tessa to have dinner with them that night, as she was in town alone for a few days for work, and in the past four years, they had barely gone a week without speaking to her and her then boyfriend, now fiance, Ben. 

Last year, the couple had come to visit them in London for two weeks and had convinced them to escape for a few weeks of holiday in Canada. They lived in a small city, and "nature" was the main attraction which terrified Dan and Phil slightly. Tessa and Ben were big into hiking, kayaking and camping in the middle of nowhere. 

Dan had seen her Instagram. The pictures were great. Beaches, beers, campfires. It seemed relaxing and for some reason, they had even agreed to an "easy" weekend camping trip during their visit. 

As much as they portrayed a life of never leaving the house, both he and Phil enjoyed a walk in the park and drinks on a patio and even indulged in a few outdoor runs. It just became difficult in London where they were constantly stopped by viewers. He could see the appeal of camping in the bush. Away from people, away from technology for a few days. 

And they would be with Tessa and Ben who knew what they were doing. Thank God.

But now, as Dan hikes up the "small hill" to get to the campsite, he wishes he and Phil had never went to get coffee that fateful day in Toronto. These people were actually out to kill him, if a bear didn't get him first. 

"Okay, guys I need to sit. Seriously, I'm going to collapse and die," he groaned. His feet felt like jelly and there was sweat pouring out of places he didn't know could sweat. 

The other three stopped, Phil looking grateful for the break while the other two chatted away as if they had only been on a short five minute stroll.

Dan's eyes were closed as he sat on a fallen tree, his face pointed up at the sun that was peaking through the trees. 

"I promise it's only another five minutes, Dan. Then you can sit while we set up," Tessa was half laughing but her face showed she may feel slightly bad about putting him through this hell. "The view is worth it, honest." 

And she was right. 

The view was spectacular. They were perched on a hilltop, nestled in a valley with a river running into a small lake just below them. 

Damn Canada and it's natural beauty. 

"Okay. I don't want to kill you or befriend you anymore," Dan admitted while the four sat, enjoying the view. 

"Cheers to that, my friend," Tessa smiled and the four clinked their glasses together while they sat looking out over the valley. Dan had never been this immersed in nature before. It had an instant calming effect on him (once he had sat down) and he realized that he could maybe enjoy this for a few days. 

Tessa and Ben had set up camp, while he and Phil had sat on their butts, downing water. Ben had even run back down to where they had parked the truck, grabbing more equipment and supplies. It really wasn't a far hike, but for the two Brits, their attempts at fitness included running on solid ground, not stomping through uneven mountain trails with pounds of equipment strapped to their backs. 

"Do you guys want to pack a lunch and some drinks and head down to the lake?" Ben asked while standing up and brushing himself off. 

"Yes! This is what I've been waiting for!" Phil jumped up much too enthusiastically. 

The friends slowly made their way down to the lake, which Dan noted was a much easier trail that he knew he would be thankful for later when they had to scale back up to their campsite. He and Phil were carrying backpacks while Tessa and Ben somehow managed to carry down kayaks and paddles. 

It was a little cold, but the lake was a relief for Dan's sweaty body. He couldn't remember the last time he was able to enjoy swimming with Phil without being paranoid of prying eyes. 

Tessa and Ben had taken off in the kayaks for a spin around the area, so he was left with Phil, who was floating on his back, eyes closed behind his sunglasses with his head tilted back so his ears were submerged in the water. It was a sight to appreciate as far as Dan was concerned and he couldn't help the smile that crossed his face. 

As slowly as he could, he snuck up beside Phil, who was oblivious to his arrival as he was humming a song Dan was sure he had made up. 

Dan wound up and pushed as much water at Phil as quickly as he could. He immediately turned and swam in the opposite direction, as he heard the shrieks coming from his boyfriend followed by Phil screaming his name. 

"I will kill you Dan!" he heard Phil moving towards him, as Dan still swam away.

He couldn't help but laugh, and soon had to stop swimming before he could no longer touch the bottom of the lake, knowing his safety would be at risk if Phil reached him in deeper water. 

"What happened, Phil?" Dan turned and asked innocently, although the grin across his face suggested anything but innocence. 

Phil had caught up to him, and after splashing water at his face, grabbed Dan at his waist and pulling him in towards his body. There was a tight smile on Phil's face, trying to not turn into a laugh. Their faces were close, and Dan wrapped his legs around Phil's waist. 

"I hate you," Phil breathed softly. 

Dan let out a soft laugh and whispered, "Liar," as he leaned in and kissed Phil. 

It was a strange feeling. They were outside which was usually when they had all of their walls up, but out here, there was no one. They didn't have to worry about accidentally getting too close or saying the wrong thing that would send out signals across the world. Dan could feel how calm Phil felt while he kissed him, lazily and through smiles. 

"I could get used to this, you know. Turn into some kind of wilderness junkie, trekking through the bush on adventures. Being away from the city, kissing you in lakes," he said into Phil's neck. 

With a laugh, Phil responded, "You would die in a week, Dan. There's no take-away in the wild." 

"True. Maybe we just come here every once in a while with these two, so they can do all the hard work, and I can still kiss you in the lake," Dan pecked Phil's lips again and untangled his legs, and grabbed Phil's hand. He was guiding them back to shallower water where there was less of a threat of drowning. 

They sat in the water, with Dan straddling Phil's lap, talking and enjoying their freedom to kiss under the sun as they pleased. 

It was the perfect afternoon in Dan's eyes. 

Phil was rambling on about the log cabin in the mountains they were now planning to buy as their vacation home. He had clearly been watching too many home shows, and was throwing the phrases, "take down a wall for the perfect view," and "it's got to have a lot of character," around way too easily. 

His mind was a wonder, and it was why Dan had fallen in love with him in the first place. He could only follow Phil's trains of thought half the time, they seemed to start at A and instead of ending at B or even Z, ended at 12 or purple. Phil was staring out at the lake, but Dan could tell his mind was nowhere near here. Or maybe it was at this lake, but into the distant future. 

It was moments like this that Dan realized just how in love with Phil he was. Of course he always knew he loved Phil, that part had always been obvious to him. But life was sometimes so routine, and full of I love you's and forehead kisses that were just habit, that he sometimes lost this feeling. 

But Phil had a way of reminding him in these moments, even without knowing it. A blush crept up his neck, realizing he was now in his own mind just thinking about how much he loved this guy sitting under him, instead of listening to his ramblings about their vacation home in the mountains where they could grow old together. 

Completely interrupting Phil's sentence about needing modern comforts in their kitchen, Dan grabbed the back of his head and pushed his lips onto his boyfriend's. Phil took only a few seconds to respond but he then parted his lips and let Dan in. 

It was full of heat, and lust and love and exactly what Dan needed after staring into Phil's eyes and listening to his mind wander. He ran his hands across Phil's back pulling them closer together. 

Phil's hands were roaming over Dan's thighs and up under his swim shorts. His fingers were moving higher and higher until Dan could feel the heat building. He let out a breath as Phil's lips were peppering kisses across his shoulder, "Phil, we can't do this here. Tess and Ben could come back at any point." 

"Are you suggesting we move into the bush? Find a tree to hide behind? Maybe a stump to sit you on," Phil grinned into Dan's chest. "Yes, and then I'll swap out for the bear that insists on watching," Dan laughed. 

As much as Phil was always up for some furry jokes, he still lazily smacked Dan across the head, "Stopppp." 

This made Dan laugh even harder, "Seriously though, Phil, you know I'm up for some kinky shit, but I'd rather not burn our friends' eyeballs with my naked butt." 

"You're the one who started it, you know. I was just here minding my own business, planning our retirement, and you attacked me with your face." Phil grinned and moved his hands to Dan's hair, playing with the curls that sat atop. 

This made Dan groan. Phil knew just how to play with his hair to make him crazy. He tilted his head back into Phil's hands and closed his eyes. Phil adjusted his hips just enough that Dan could feel how hard he already was. 

"Ugh, babe you're killing me," Dan admitted as another groan escaped his lips. Phil rolled his hips slightly upwards again, and Dan was leaning forward slightly, pressing himself down onto Phil. 

Phil's hands had left his hair and travelled down to the waistband of Dan's swim shorts. He tugged the material back and let his fingers run down, getting closer and closer, teasing Dan ever so slowly. 

"Phil you either need to do something about this, or stop now. I won't be able to stop if you move another inch," Dan pleaded through laboured breaths.

Bucking his hips up, Phil responded with a groan of his own, "I want you." 

Dan reached around Phil's back and pulled his swim shorts down to his knees in one swift movement. Phil's eyes burnt with heat as he watched Dan remove his own shorts and crawl his way back on top of his lap. 

Phil immediately grabbed at Dan's cock and felt him ache as he wrapped his hand around and started pumping slowly but quickly fastening the pace. They had both had more than enough teasing and their bodies were begging for more. 

Dan groaned as he nipped at Phil's ear, making him shudder. He knew how to work this boy up quickly if he needed to. Phil shifted his body closer to Dan, thumb stroking his slit, driving Dan mad. 

Phil's body responded so well to Dan. The sight of the flustered man hovering above him, curly brown hair in his face and blush creeping up his neck was enough to make him come undone. Never mind when that same person was whispering dirty things in his ear and grinding hard into him. 

The heat was growing between the two, both desperate for some kind of release. Dan lifted his body away from Phil, enough to make him moan due to the loss of contact. 

"I want you to float on your back like you were earlier," Dan instructed Phil. Confusion crossed his face, but Phil was in no position to overthink something Dan was telling him, so he did as Dan asked and raised his body to the surface of the water and into a starfish like position. 

Almost immediately he understood Dan's plan. His cock was now sticking directly out of the water into the cool air, and Dan's mouth was hovering over him. 

"Stay floating," Dan instructed while lowering himself onto Phil, sucking and licking as he went, painfully slow. 

Dan was now standing in the water, bent over Phil, and stroking himself. Concentrating on floating was almost impossible for Phil while Dan's mouth was around him. It intensified his pleasure every time Dan made a sudden movement. Every flick of his tongue was creeping Phil closer to the edge. 

"Dan, please," Phil begged. 

Dan grabbed Phil's waist with his free hand and his head began bobbing at a faster pace. The hand stroking himself moving in rhythm, hitting Phil's balls at the same time. 

"Oh, fuck. Dan. Oh fuck, I'm gonna come," Phil whispered between breaths while trying to remain upright in the water and not lose contact with Dan. 

And with that, Phil emptied into Dan's mouth while Dan held his back, keeping him afloat. It took only a few more strokes and Dan was coming all over Phil's chest. 

"You're bad," Phil smiled up at Dan after coming back to reality. 

"I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about, Philip," Dan retorted as he cleaned Phil off and lowered himself into the water, wrapping his legs around Phil once again.

They silently clung to each other for a while, letting the calm water hold them afloat. 

They heard Tessa's distinct laugh in the distance, bringing them back to reality and they untangled themselves. They hurriedly put their swim shorts back on and Dan situated himself beside Phil and leaned into his shoulder. 

By the time their friends had made their way back where Dan and Phil were, the two had resumed conversation about that perfect log cabin, up on the mountain top.


	2. Campfire sing-a-long

Dan decided that he needed to learn how to build a fire, if he ever intended on surviving in the wild. He understood the basic science behind it, but he had never attempted to actually start one himself. 

Ben talked him through the basics, even letting him wield an ax to cut kindling, while Phil and Tessa gathered together drinks, snacks and blankets for the group. 

"I'm really glad you guys decided to come, Dan," said Ben between his instructions. 

"I am too. The fact that you guys got us out here was one thing, but I think you've also managed to convert us to campers," he laughed, not taking his eyes off the small fire he had managed to start. 

Ben squeezed Dan's shoulders and laughed, "Honestly, I thought you were going to back out as soon as you saw the hill we had to climb to get up here."

"Oh, I almost did. Tess was right though, the view was worth it, even if you did almost kill me in the process."

Dan glanced up at where Phil and Tessa were keeled over in laughter, Ben smiling in the same direction. "How'd we manage to snag those two idiots?" Ben wondered aloud. 

"I have no idea. I question it daily," he let out a small laugh. "I can't believe you guys are getting married and that we're all old enough for weddings and babies to be happening." 

Reaching across Dan to add another log onto the fire, Ben responded, "I know. It seems like we shouldn't be old enough. But it's been ten years with that girl." 

"A decade," Dan scoffed. "It's been eight for us, somehow. Although if I think about it, it feels like so much has changed and happened that eight years seems so short," 

Ben nodded, "I know what you mean. We were actually kids back then." 

"With horrible hair and no clue what the hell we were about to get into," Dan laughed. "The fact that we made it out of those years without any major issues still blows my mind.”

"Hey, speak for yourself with the hair. Mine's always been great!" Ben replied with his finger pointing dramatically at Dan in accusation. 

"I've seen the photos of your hockey days, with those flipped wings under your ball caps. Yours was just as bad as my fringe was, sorry mate," Dan laughed. 

Ben seemed to consider this point for a moment, "Yah true. I would have been better off with a buzz cut." 

The flames of the fire were growing, and Dan was incredibly impressed with his boy scout skills, although he's not sure if it would ever happen without Ben's help.

Ben was the type of guy's guy that Dan would never have expected to become such good friends with. He was extremely competitive and loud, loved every sport, fishing, and beer drinking, was a carpenter and drove a truck. As a bonus, he was also ruggedly handsome. But Ben was also one of the most easy going and loving people he had ever met, not to mention a huge nerd. 

It still threw Dan off a little that they were great friends with these two, they were such different types of people. 

“You know they’re talking about us, right?” Ben whispered while nodding towards Phil and Tessa.

Dan glanced up and sure enough, their other halves had become strangely quiet and their heads had moved closer together, clearly trying to keep their conversation between them. 

It only took Dan seconds to realize they weren’t talking about Ben, they were talking about him. Phil’s face wore a pulled expression, the way it does when he worries about Dan, when he catches him thinking too much. And Tessa’s head was tilted ever so slightly to the side, the way it does when she listens to Dan complain over Skype. He knew how to read these two all to well. 

A glance at Ben showed he had realized the same thing. He felt a warm, strong hand on his shoulder give a tight squeeze. 

“Just remember they’re the crazy ones, yah?” a small smile spread across Ben’s face. It was a joke between the two of them, they always claimed they were the sane ones in their foursome, having to put up with the other two and their insane antics. 

As much as it didn’t reassure Dan, it was the best thing Ben could have said. He knew Phil didn’t open up often to others, and if something was bothering him he was glad he was talking to Tess. He knew their friendship with these two was strong enough from all angles that they could all rely on each other if they needed to. 

“Thank God they’ve got us,” Dan managed a small laugh, but he couldn’t help flicking his eyes up to Phil every few seconds.

Dan knew it would be worse to dwell on it, because Phil would always eventually tell him what was wrong. It was why they worked so well, they didn’t keep things from each other. Still, that didn’t stop his mind from wandering, racking his brain for what could be bothering him. 

He was sure that their relationship was fine, they’d been a bit stressed lately with a few projects but nothing in comparison to what life was like before tour. They had been through rough patches, but Dan always knew when those were hitting. This didn’t feel like that. 

It didn’t take long for Phil’s smile to return and his calm smile to creep back across his face. No matter how many times he saw it, the smile never failed to make Dan melt a little inside. 

\--

Dan thought it was six, but maybe it was seven or thirteen drinks for all he knew. What he did know is that the more of those drinks he consumed, the worse his counting skills got. Funny how that worked. 

The group had spent the last number of hours as the sun set, sitting around the fire, snacking on food and drinking too much alcohol. 

Phil had moved his arm around Dan's shoulder and had wrapped a blanket around the two of them. Dan felt himself staring into the flames, thinking of everything and nothing all at the same time. 

At some point, Ben had started humming a horrible one hit wonder from the 90's, and from there it had turned into a singalong, one wonderfully bad song after another. 

Dan was sure they had already sung Smooth more than twice, but in his opinion, that wasn't enough and he started another round. 

"Bear, one more round of that and you will morph into Rob Thomas," Phil pleaded with Dan to stop. 

"I know that's your wish. I could seduce you with my vocals. You got the kind of lovin' that can be so smooth, yeah. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it," Dan belted a few final words but then melted into a fit of laughter. 

"Mhmm, very sexy," Phil finally managed through his laughter, kissing Dan on the top of his head.

Dan nuzzled himself further into Phil's side and looked over at Tessa, who was smiling softly at the two, "Can I ask you guys something?" 

"Of course," Phil answered lazily for the both of them. 

“Do you ever want to just quit what you're doing? You guys are always so much more relaxed and happy with your guards down,” she asked, already half knowing the answer.

Dan shifted to look at Phil’s face, it was something that had recently come up between the two of them when they were spotted out at dinner with friends. 

“Yah of course we do. Some days are horrible, but the amazing ones usually make up for it. We probably hermit a lot more than we used to though,” Dan trailed off. 

“I think we’ve handled it in an okay way. We’re still really private compared to most YouTubers. I couldn’t share as much as most of them do,” Phil added. 

Dan sighed deeply, “We should probably do stuff like this more often though. Just get away and out of the house. It would be good for us.”

Phil could feel the weight of the world falling off Dan’s shoulders as he slid further into his side. 

“You’re really happy like this, aren’t you?” Phil questioned. 

“I’m a bushman now, Phil. I am wilderness,” a smile crept across Dan’s face. 

“Why don’t we buy a little vacation home somewhere like this,” Phil motioned his hand out to the valley. “I want you to always be this happy. And we can escape whenever we wanted without worrying about other people.” 

Dan snorted with laughter, “We can’t just buy a home in Canada, Phil.” 

“But I want you to be happy,” Phil’s voice broke and lowered. Dan realized he had been completely serious about the proposal. As serious as such a drunken statement could be, anyways. 

“I am happy Phil. I do think we should do stuff like this more often but you, in our house, makes me just as happy,” Dan squeezed his hand in reassurance. 

“I just like seeing you without all the pressure. It’s a good look on you," Phil's voice was getting higher and Dan could tell he was getting excited about the idea. This happened every time Phil's brain was sparked with a light bulb. "We could have no worries, Dan. We could walk around in nature with no one looking, I could actually hold your hand and kiss you when I wanted. You got me off in the lake today - a lake in the wide open - without a care in the world for fuck's sake!" 

Tessa spewed the drink in her mouth everywhere, "I'm sorry, you did what in the lake! Please tell me I was no where around you while this happened!" 

Dan side eyed his friend, "Of course not, you two were off doing who knows what on those kayaks." 

He could tell he hit somewhere too close to home when Ben's eyes studied the fire too closely trying not to let the smirk cross his face and Tessa blushed slightly while taking another drink before responding, "Well good, now continue. I believe you were discussing your mountain lodge, dear boys?" 

"Maybe starting to dream of that retirement home isn't such a bad idea. We just need to figure out where in the world we want to go," Dan's mind was swimming with the idea of growing old with Phil. 

Phil smiled, "I like it here." 

"Okay, it's settled. We can go scope out the area tomorrow, see if there's any houses available," Dan replied with a laugh.

"I'd suggest a kayak ride," Ben said with a smirk while glancing down at Tessa. 

Tessa's hand reached up to playfully smack Ben's chest. "Would you shut it!" 

"What! He just told us they were going at it in the lake earlier today! It's not like you don't talk to Dan about our sex life in full detail already," Ben turned to Dan and Phil, "Seriously, there's a great lookout spot just a ways up the river, great place to chat."

"I fucking hate you, you idiot," Tessa rolled her eyes and snuggled further into Ben's chest where she was resting between his legs. 

"I know," Ben teased.

Crawling into the tent that night was one of the most impossible challenges Dan had ever faced in his life. Why did the tent have such a tiny opening that kept moving from side to side? He laughed at himself as he compared his huge frame to Alice after drinking that potion that made her a giant as she tried to get through the door to Wonderland. 

Phil's hands were then on Dan's waist steadying his swaying, giddy boyfriend from behind. 

"Bear, what the hell is so funny," Phil slurred his words as he kept Dan upright.

Through his fit of laughter, Dan managed to respond, "I'm actually Alice right now. I wonder if we will find the Queen in our tent. OR maybe the Mad Hatter is waiting for us!"

"We are not having a threesome with the Mad Hatter. That's where I draw the line!" 

"Why not, Philly?" Dan dramatically pouted. "What about Johnny Depp Mad Hatter?"

"If we're having a threesome with Johnny Depp, I'm requesting a costume change to Jack Sparrow, he's at least hot in that one," Phil laughed.

The two didn't realize that Ben was standing three feet behind them during this entire encounter with a giant smirk on his face, "If you two are going down the rabbit hole tonight, at least keep it quiet. I don't want to hear what you are doing to that caterpillar with the hookah." 

"You’re more than welcome to join in Ben!" Dan laughed as he finally found the tent entrance and collapsed on top of his sleeping bag. 

"Night, guys," Ben was shaking his head as he made sure the rest of the fire was out and crawled into his own tent where Tessa was already fast asleep.

Phil snuggled into his sleeping bag and tried to pull Dan closer to him. He wasn't a fan of not being able to cuddle while drunk, but Dan had already passed out three feet from him. He kissed his head and whispered an I love you before drifting off himself, to the sound of silence.


	3. Okay

A rustling noise woke Dan the next morning. It took him a full 60 seconds to remember where he was, and another 30 to realize that rustling probably meant a wild animal. Panic shot through his body and he was instantly wide awake, fearing for his life.

He tried to turn onto his side to face Phil as quietly as possible but the sleeping bag was making too much noise. Dan closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

It then hit him like a truck.

He had drank way too much the night before, his world began spinning and the nausea was burning in his chest. Slow, laboured breaths were all that were keeping him from vomiting. He needed water and tablets, desperately.

But those would require a lot of movement and Dan could still hear rustling outside the tent. There was definitely _something_ out there.

He listened harder, trying to decide if it was a squirrel or something that would eat him if he moved.

After a few minutes he heard a quiet ‘fuck’ mumbled after something had clearly fallen. Dan quietly laughed to himself. Apparently Tessa was the animal ready to have him for breakfast.

Knowing his life was no longer in danger, Dan slowly extracted himself from his sleeping bag, still trying to be quiet for Phil’s sake. He somehow managed to get out of tent, with water and a tablet, without waking Phil or vomiting everywhere. It was something short of a miracle.

“Morning sunshine,” Tessa croaked from behind her coffee mug.

“Need to pee,” Dan grunted, pointing towards the bush. He slumped down near Tessa when he came back and groaned.

“Why does anyone ever let me drink that much?” he shot the tablet into his mouth followed by a gulp of water.

Tessa laughed quietly, “Unfortunately we are no longer 18, this is our life now. Hangovers so bad, they are preparing us for death.”

They fell into a comfortable silence as Tessa poured Dan a coffee from the percolator.

Dan’s mind was filled with an unfamiliar calm. It wasn’t something he experienced very often and it felt like pure bliss.

He understood now why people enjoyed this. The pure disconnect from life, the stillness and quiet. But there was still life everywhere, birds and bugs and chipmunks. The trees and brush, and the water running through the valley. It was the opposite of his everyday, and Dan couldn’t get over how much deeper his breaths were and how little his hands were shaking.

He felt genuine happiness. It was something he was reluctant to ever admit, scared it would be ripped out from under him without notice.

A drunken conversation from the previous night flooded into his mind, Phil wanting to move here just to make Dan happy. But he was happy. Phil made him happy.

So why was this so different? Why was there so much relief flooding through every inch of his mind as he sat here?

He had worked so hard to be in this headspace, what he knew as ‘happy’. But Phil wanted to move to make it better for him, did he not think Dan was happy, that he was doing okay? Was he okay? Did okay mean happiness or was there something else Dan was missing?

The thoughts started spinning faster, as quickly as they had started, his mind becoming a cluttered mess. Dan let out a sigh, closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the stump he was leaned up against.

Tessa leaned over and tapped lightly against Dan’s temple, “What’s going on in there Howell?”

She knew how to read him almost as well as Phil did. They had spent enough hours on Skype, through panic and tears and laughter and emptiness that there wasn’t much she didn’t pick up on.

Tessa got it. She struggled in the same ways as Dan, and in some ways, a lot more. He never had to try and explain the fear or the black hole to her the way he did with Phil. She just knew, and sometimes that was easier. They had relied on each other through some of their hardest moments. He didn’t have to hide his worry or confusion or anger with her, there was no fear in admitting he wasn’t okay.

Rolling his head to face her, he opened his eyes and just looked. He was so grateful for her, it made him emotional just thinking about how much she had done for him. Tessa had told him a million times over that he had done the same for her but it always felt like it was one sided in these moments.

A soft smile crept across her face and her eyebrows raised slightly, waiting for some acknowledgment of her question. She would never push him, but Dan swore ‘gentle encouragement’ was her middle name.

“Just trying to figure out if I’m genuinely happy or if it’s all a facade,” Dan sighed and took another sip of coffee from the mug he forgot he was holding.

A breathy laugh came out of her nose. Dan could practically hear the inaudible, _I get it_. Tessa grabbed his free hand, “Genuine happiness is a load of shit, Dan. I’d say you’re pretty damn happy lately if my opinion counts for anything.”

“Of course it does. So if I’m happy, why does Phil seem so worried about making me happy? Does he think I’m not okay?” Dan lowered his voice, knowing Phil could come crawling out of the tent at any moment.

“He’s always worried about you, you know that.” Dan did know that but he was starting to think he didn’t know how much Phil worried.

He remained silent, not having a coherent thought to produce.

“Dan, he loves you. He wants you to have everything. Even that load of shit, genuine happiness,” a smirk played on Tessa’s face. “He’s not wrong in saying you seem more relaxed out here. You are. He hates your depressive and anxious moments as much as you do, he’s allowed to try and make it better. You’ve let him in this far, he’s just trying to help.”

Damn Tessa and her years of therapy.

“I know. I just don’t want him to worry all the time. I’m honestly doing so okay right now, he doesn’t need to.”

“Have you told him that?” her tone was all-knowing. Of course he hadn’t. That would have been helpful. As much as it seemed like Phil could read his mind, of course he couldn’t.

“No. I think I need to,” his eyes glancing back at Tessa and then back to the vastness before them.

Tessa leaned back into Dan’s side and from behind them, the sound of a zipper and a clumsy Phil could be heard.

“Speak of the devil,” Tessa laughed quietly into Dan. “Do it today, you’ll thank me.”

——

Dan couldn’t stop glancing at Phil throughout coffee and breakfast. He could never fully tell what was going on in his head and he so desperately wanted to. Dan was such an open book with his emotions and Phil was much more reserved. It was something he admired but also hated at moments.

“I need to learn to kayak today,” Phil suddenly announced. “Who gets to teach me?” His enthusiasm was oozing out of his face.

“Ben!” Tessa practically yelled back at him.

Dan almost spewed his bite of cereal everywhere in laughter. Phil was clumsy, that was a known fact. Teaching him how to balance and paddle on what was essentially a piece of floating plastic would be a nightmare. He agreed with Tessa.

“Hey!” Ben responded, knowing he had just got the short straw.

“I’m truly offended,” Phil managed to look fully sincere. “I could be a natural born kayaker for all you know.”

For some reason this spurred the competitive side of Ben, “You know what, you’re right Phil. We’ll have you in race form by nightfall!” He raised his eyebrows at Tessa as if he had just won a prize.

Dan trailed behind Phil on the way down to the lake carrying the back end of the kayak. He couldn’t get Tessa’s words out of his head, trying to figure out how exactly he could let Phil know he’s okay.

He needed Phil to really, truly believe him. He needed to show Phil he was okay, not just tell him.


End file.
